well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
