I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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