I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
