I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
