so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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