Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
