make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
