I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
