I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
