I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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