Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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