After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
