dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize