I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
