the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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