dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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