god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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