The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
