You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I touched a dick in church today
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
