I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
