Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
