Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
