There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize