That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize