my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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