Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Four minutes until I can fart!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
