I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
