You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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