i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
