i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
