Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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