I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
