Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
