i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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