We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
