I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
