have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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