You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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