all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize