Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
