My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
