2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
This is my gift to your gina
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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