i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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