Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
