Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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