i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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