Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
