Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize