life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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