I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
