Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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