i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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