Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
