You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
