So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
