I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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