weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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