I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
