he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
