How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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