i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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